Bad Film Club

Apr 15
Apr 13
Apr 13
Apr 10

My neighbor keeps knocking on my door or following me around, saying “if my music’s too loud, I’ll turn it down.” I always tell him “your music is fine. If anything, turn that shit up so I don’t have to hear that hick’s retarded kid downstairs.” “Haha, ok, but if it’s ever too loud, just knock on my door and I’ll lower the volume.”

This has been going on for months.

I’m really confused about this: is this dude super lonely, a serial killer or honestly that paranoid that we’d call the cops because his Wings concert is too loud?

Apr 10

Why make The Pre-Sequel instead of Borderlands 3?

1. It’s easier just to make another Borderlands than to reinvent the wheel because, let’s face it, people are gonna buy it anyway. This way, we don’t have to work hard and we need to take it easy after fucking up Aliens and ignoring Brothers in Arms. We don’t have a lot of jokes but we DO have a lot tropes we can subvert while homaging since we’ve got boring writers and the internet. It’s like a fucking autopilot. Borderlands 3 would require something more than that and, ugh, I’m so tired.

2. What we would’ve done for Borderlands 3 looks paltry now that we’ve got new consoles out. There’s no way the one style we have for games would look good on those consoles and people would see through it immediately. So, you know, previous gen it is. We’ll just pretend we’re doing it this way because more people have the older consoles but, honestly, if we put Borderlands 2.5 out on the PS4 or Xbox One, people might realize that we suck at keeping up with other companies.

3. Borderlands 3 is gonna have to be an MMO. People bring it up all the time: co-op is fun, solo is boring. Loot is awesome, not having enough characters or backpack space to hold it all sucks but what can you do, you know? We’re still selling new DLC for Borderlands 2, tiny little non-campaigns, because people just want more of the same ol’ shit. Why make another full game when this works? Well, obviously, an MMO would be the perfect answer: microtransactions! And new online events! And gangs of whatever the fuck they’re called, whatever vault hunters. Buy the tutorial, rent the game, brilliant! In the meantime, though, we gotta fund it. This next game can’t be considered Borderlands 3 if that’s how we’re gonna do it.

4. For real, though, this shit is fucking real. Now that’s some hip hop. Rat-goddamn-king all day.

Apr 08

A plaid shirt over his imperfect but perfect body, a banjo or balalaika, a story about rescuing a dog from a fire—no, make that a rabbit. He quotes Jean Paul Sartre, says he doesn’t own a TV but has a tablet so he doesn’t miss an episode of Mad Men and his hair tends to glisten with sweat when he works on his herb garden. His Chinese cilantro is finally coming up and he’s really proud of it. He was raised to be a libertarian, the rare kind that believes in social justice so long as he’s not asked how the government can possibly make everyone happy.

Apr 08

I tried to reach through the mirror and pull myself out into this world and it occurred to me that perhaps he was trying to pull me into the mirror.

Apr 08

I’m writing again.

The urge to push your life to the limit is at its highest or lowest when you understand how much of it you get. I would think to myself “I must have the answer” forever if I didn’t throw myself off the cliff right now. A low hum emanated from the casket and called to me, directly. When I turned to face it, it asked me “if you knew the answer, would it change the way you live?”

Apr 06

I think I’m finally done with Vice.

They know how to speak to young people, that’s for sure, and I’m just not as young as I once was. What they talk about, when they’re serious about educating us about the world, is wonderful but the way they’ve done it has always been through the filter of a PBR bottle: hipsters go to Japan (ugh) to talk to the Yakuza (oh shit) and end up judging them or saying “man, that was some shit” (ugh, again). Hipsters go to Syria (wow, ok) and talk to the children (I’m interested) and complain about the war (dammit, just give us reporting). Very up and down with these guys and it’s honestly because they had one or two people worth watching/reading/listening to and they’ve either sold out or burnt out.

Shane Smith is a brave, intelligent, interesting man. But he’s also, like, the father of the generation why not and, like, feels what’s going on in the world, man. It was only a matter of time before he went Invisible Children on us and realized that “you know, like, what we’re doing is saving the world and building awareness so we should get Bill Maher to hook us up with a show.” His segments on Liberia and North Korea are still some of the greatest things I’ve seen but you just wish he were better at being a reporter instead of just pointing a camera at stuff and reacting to it because that’s what the young people want. That said, if Shane Smith is flawed at what he does, Hamilton Morris is the gas leak that undoes every wonderful thing Vice attempts to do. One week, we’re going down to Mexico to look at cartel wars because, you know, liberals bitching about war, and the next? “Getting High on HIV Medicine.” “Eddie Huang is an azn wigga in Detroit, yo.” And then there’s Slutever. And then there’s Ryan Duffy. And then there’s… you know what, everyone but Thomas Morton, Trace Crutchfield (where’s my trillest homeboy at these days?) and Shane Smith are the reasons I’ve not gone back to NYC. I’m way too fat to be a hipster and the place I once loved is infested with them, covered in the asthmatic cloud left in their wake.

I get it, you’re a journalist magazine with video segments for a younger “socially aware” generation of connected activists, but you could either be (a) better at delivering news without the “ugh, so weird, you guys” bias or the wacky “look what I’m filming, look where I am, isn’t that sick” shit that makes it all about you or (b) just another anarchist pamphlet that gets stuck to the bottoms of shoes in gender neutral community college bathrooms. It would seem to be that you’d prefer option C: The most self-aggrandizing zine in America. And fuck zines.

I do hope the Shane Smith/Eddy Moretti duo grows out of listening to Pavement and Fucked Up and writes a book that they also allow an editor to go over. And I hope Thomas Morton wins an award for something, anything. But when they eventually move on or don’t, whatever, I can only hope that Vice is bought and folded by a larger news company. That will teach people more about popular journalism than they’ve been learning and hopefully pave the way for better, more determined journalists who want more than to just bring footage back to their basement communist book reading parties. The only audience left seems to be the Occupy crowd and I don’t want to associate with those clowns. Fight the man but don’t become the man and tell us you’re still the proletariat, guys.

Apr 03

No one will ever love you again, liberals.

Stephen Colbert: People are offended by everything and don’t understand or appreciate humor. Also, opinions are outlawed in this new, free progressive state, so Colbert should be sent to the ovens. Oh, he was joking? …Well, I refuse to concede, I still think his perceived hate is worth my actual hate! It cancels out, right?

Firefox CEO Dude: He doesn’t like gay people. You don’t like him for not liking gay people. And he’s out of a job because of it? Well, maybe you should “resign” for having an opinion too. Yeah, yeah, I know it doesn’t work that way. And yet it just worked that way, didn’t it? Hate republicans? Good on ‘ya, fellow freedom fighter. Hate gay people? Burn him at the stake. No fallacy in this logic at all. - Sent from my iPad 2, which was made and sold by a company that is against gay rights but who cares because it’s so awesome.

Matt Adams: “that shove was enough to knock him back a step so it wasn’t friendly at all!” That’s right, we are all weak enough to be killed by a tap and therefore all physical contact, even in jest or friendship or during the act of fuck-making, should be punished by law. “ugh so players can just shove fans now.” People taunt people, people shove people, people cry about it on the internet. Baseball is fucking stupid anyway.

Wil Wheaton: I don’t care.

James Franco: He was legal in both countries, she was legal in both countries, she said no, nothing happened. “Celebrities pressure girls into giving them Lil B style footjobs tho.” Except when they don’t. And celebrities are people with celebrity status so the aggro pussy bloggers should be saying “people pressure people into sex.” Except when they don’t because the girl fucking said no and he fucking dropped it. And it was on the internet. It was a conversation. People flirt. Maybe they don’t flirt with you but that’s ok, do some situps and get out there, meet people. One day, it’ll happen for you too.

Tom Ford: Not Rob Ford.

Rob Ford: He smoked crack and the whole of the English speaking world hates him for it. He’s a good mayor and a nice guy and rolls with the punches. Would you rather Rudolph Giuliani? I mean, he doesn’t smoke crack, does he? Probably does cocaine but you can’t prove it so it’s all good. He just hates black people and set up NYC to be a police state where streets were closed off and random hat and shoe checks were done by machine gun-toting cops but he’s the “mayor of America” because he hid in a bunker during 9/11, most probably not smoking crack rocks. He’s the hero we need right now, obviously. Rob Ford is just a jolly Canadian who might drink a beer with you so fuck that guy for having flaws.

In summation, racist jokes are worse than rape, rape jokes are worse than rape, do as I say - not as I do, except for celebrities who can’t say or do anything that normal people can because fuck them, die cis scum, and apparently someone was called a nerd and got defended on the internet by the new crucible of nerds, it seems. Actually, is it The Crucible? Or it is more like a new McCarthyism scare? “You were insensitive!” “I know an insensitive guy!” "Report all insensitives!"

If you see something, say something, Tumblr.

Mar 31

It’s probably creepy (whatever, I’m probably creepy but I own it) when I say that I was watching some porn and when the surprisingly ethereal and entrancing music played throughout, I had the urge to write prose. Fuck watching the sex on screen, I want to write my own sex scene. Thing is, I don’t write about the act, I write about the frame of mind I’m in while I’m in the act. Reading back what I wrote, I can definitely see myself as someone people would pretend to admire and enjoy being around if I looked the part of the hipster artist because, jesus, I’m not bad. And yet I’m way too much of a downer to not look the part so the writing just comes off as a cry for help. Instead of appearing as Infinite Jest, it appears as “torn-up copy of a random Iron Man comic with discolored pages.” For example, I equate sex with going back into my childhood neighborhood only with all of the people frozen in time, ejaculation with a great natural disaster and the post-orgasmic exhaustion with the darkness that wipes away the world. Finally, I snap out of it and look into her eyes and all I can think about is “when I was young…” I think I’m depressed. lol.

In related news, I dropped my media literacy class because while it’s basically “Bullshitting 101: How To Copy/Paste “Can’t Buy My Love” by Jean Kilbourne and Not Get Cited For Plagiarism” class, I’ve got 1700 pages of Karl Marx to read for one class, 900 pages on the Middle East for another and only a mere 520 pages of meteorology for another. The last thing I need is to dedicate more time to pissing out 12 pages about Mad Men just to impress a class of ukelele-playing handlebar mustaches.

Mar 22

The more I watch debates in which the counter-cultural 70’s liberal in his awful fashions ask questions to (make accusations towards) economists or politicians, the more I realize what the fuck happened to our country that resulted in the worst generation alive. The asshole in the giant sunglasses being rude to the man in the suit had kids. And those kids became jerk-off businessmen who ruined our economy. However, their kids are the millennial scumbag hipsters. Selfish, pompous children who condescend to others in their basement communist rallies had kids who became hypocrites and learned how to fuck the system then had kids that were raised to lack any sincerity or compassion at all, which is what creates a millennial cunt. Seriously, I’m watching a video of Milton Friedman (I know he’s a libertarian but he’s more than that - he’s an intelligent man) debating the question “Is Capitalism Humane?” with a bunch of hippies. And, fuck, these people are brainwashed assholes - the kind of people who pioneered bootleg rohypnol and passed it out at their faux-Andy Warhol loft parties, the people who prove that having an open mind is not the same as being a forward thinker. - who are defecating all over the country today. Only since today’s populist moral faggot is clean-cut and has a nice handshake and resume, they’re taken a little more seriously. You know what? I’m voting for whoever you hate next time.

Mar 17

An after-school special is aired featuring a man made up of Terry Crews, The Rock and Yngwie Malmsteen. He is majestic like the pony embroidered on his varsity jacket. Bullies appear out of nowhere to fight the exalted one but their blows are deflected by his aura. Then, all of the sudden, a single bully wearing a mask, stained with nail polish the color of dry blood, fires poison-tipped arrows from his compound bow at the man’s head. The arrows don’t merely bounce off of his frame, they shatter completely. The man speaks with the voice of god. “You cannot hurt a man made of friendship and love and peace.” Anointed by his words, the bullies drop to their knees and cry out with awe and shame.

The next day, a brony is picked on for having an MLP lunchbox. He stands on the cafeteria table and proclaims in his shrieking but lispy voice: “Do not forthake me for I am like you! But if you muth’d hit me, I will bear your ang—

The bullies rush him and begin pummeling him to the ground. 15 feet away, a teacher on his break is watching this, muttering to himself “my old man told me to work in his factory but I wanted to teach the youth…” Overhearing him, the sexy but filled-to-the-brim with animosity social studies teacher responds. “You say this all the time but, c’mon, you know you’re not man enough to have made a real difference in the world. It’s why we teach at an inner city junior high school: to live vicariously through the achievements of… them.”

The bullies disperse when a whistle is blown. The brony is crying by himself on the floor. He will stay there and do that for the rest of his life. A Big Bang Theory episode will be written in his honor but he won’t watch it because it’s demeaning to nerdcore culture. Bazinga.

Mar 15

You know, I think the feminists are actually onto something here. The more I deal with intelligent and opinionated women, the more I miss not doing that at all.

"But don’t you feel that way about men too?"

Yes but they don’t have those in Portland or on the internet, which are my only visitable places at the moment.

Mar 13

How to make a documentary:

  1. Make it less than 90 minutes.
  2. Talk about yourself for 15% of the movie.
  3. The intro must be way too long before we get to the point.
  4. Copious shots of other people or of you on the internet/rummaging through research.
  5. Insert animated montages with voice-over from the director whenever someone says a thing you can’t follow-up on.
  6. Add music that tells the viewer how to feel.
  7. Have a strong bias.
  8. Get your roommate to make an opening sequence for free. He’ll know what fonts to use.