Bad Film Club

Sep 24

I’ve been trying so hard to figure who exactly I hated so much that I feel such anger towards this generation and the west coast in general and I’ve finally figured it out. It’s not women I hate, it’s white people in general. And not because they’re the mean penis-having oppressor 1% bourgeoisie, it’s because they’re the ones bitching 24/7 about it and protesting nonstop. You can’t wag your dick an inch without hitting some kind of gender issues debate or chai tea stitch-and-bitch nowadays and that’s a straight up white English-speaking world problem. The 18-35 white demographic (this includes Canada, the UK and Australia, of course) used to be the worst because they were full of hate but now they’re the worst because they’re full of anti-hate. The same vitriol, just going in the other direction. Man, it feels really good to know that and be sure of it: it’s just every white person (but, yeah, mostly the women) 35 years old or younger. What a load off my mind…

Also, I was with T-Mobile since it was Omnipoint but today I finally took a boxcutter and hammer to my old phone and switched to Verizon using my financial aid money because I’m expecting an important call. It’s been a good couple of days.

Sep 22

What I learned on my first shift as a night porter.

  1. I met the matriarch of all spiders today. Furry, brown, angry, wanting. She looked into my soul and found where my fear spawns. I heard her maniacal laughter and it sent chills down my spine. The spiders and bed bugs are fucking everywhere in this hotel. It is their domain, I am just allowed to walk within its halls.
  2. This bitch was rude as fuck when I checked her out so I used her room as practice for breaking and entering (for emergencies, of course). Turns out she left the TV and lights on and left donuts. I ate one and I think I’m going to be sick because Voodoo Doughnuts are too rich and are known to give people the runs. But, hey, at least they come in pink boxes and keep Portland weird, amirite?
  3. My body is asking for sex as a means to satisfy a deficiency. It’s no longer about “hey, she’s cute and I want to fuck her.” Now there is a very specific scientific reason for the urge and I don’t know how to fulfill it because I’m a sweaty, chubby dude with little confidence. It doesn’t help either that I don’t especially know what kind of sex my body is looking for. I just see a girl in pantyhose and think “Pfil, you should have sex with her.” Fucking what, do I just go up and ask her?  “Oh, Sarah’s the morning shift? Yo, she’s taking off her shoes. Talk to her about how you play soccer.” Damn, dude, stop it.
  4. I confided in my trainer that I had another interview later today and if I get it, which I hope and pray I do, I’m bouncing. He said “I’m only in this place for the tuition discount. I want to be a museum administrator, not a guard for some hotel that should’ve been condemned years ago.”
  5. I was joking about this place being haunted during the blackout to guests the other night but it turns out that it actually is. In the kitchen (dirtiest, most horrid place I’ve seen in years), there’s a woman in black who walks around the ovens. I didn’t see her but my trainer told me about her. “Don’t freak out… You’re going to but try not to…” Take THAT, Heathman, you’re not the only overrated hotel in town swarming with suicide ghosts!
Sep 20

The electricity went out for a few blocks downtown so my hotel was engulfed in darkness. I spent 2 hours being Bill fucking Murray, saving lives with the power of laughter. Seriously, funniest guy in Portland over here. I’m also probably getting fired very soon.

Fun fact: the nerd with the Cards Against Humanity deck and the Adventure Time shirt was the rudest, least funny, angriest person in the entire sold-out 264 room hotel. He made people nervous and upset when he was trying to be funny and even angrier when he demanded a full refund and to speak with the manager… sure, we’ll get right on that WHEN THE POWER IS RESTORED. He mentioned a zombie apocalypse so I ranted for 2 minutes about how unqualified he was to lead during one and he skulked away. Once he left, the place was fun again.

Just wanna repeat: I’m the funniest guy here. Gonna take improv classes very soon because I think I love the feeling of making people go from scared to smiling within seconds.

Sep 19

I’m in a good mood because as soon as my new job started taking a turn for the worse, the job I actually wanted and needed so badly in my life called me up to try to set up an interview. My phone is a piece of fucking garbage so we’re playing phone tag right now - still, the job I’ve wanted for… man, I want to say a decade, has called me for an interview. Soon, I’ll have peace and love and joy and fulfillment in my heart and I won’t have to give a fuck with you liberals are complaining about around me here on the internet and in Portland. I’ll be too busy smiling like a person who isn’t suicidally depressed. Fingers crossed, man.

That said, when I started writing earlier, I still have so many negative things to say about this town. However, I’m getting better at writing them and if I could do more than a page every 5 days, I’d have a book to sell. A boy can dream.

All of those out there who pray, hook a brother up with some positive energy!

Sep 07

I always knew that the generation who went outside to play developed immunities faster than the younger generations who stayed inside the house most of the time but I’m starting to wonder if that has anything to do with gluten allergies, an increase in the amount of people with morton’s toe, higher sensitivities to the sun, lower thresholds for pain and the reason we blog. Man, the urge to smash all of my electronic devices is getting severe. Can’t go out like Elvis 2.0, on the toilet with a smartphone in my hand. I think I’m gonna stop masturbating and drinking alcohol entirely and see if I can’t grow back some adultness (fuck your literacy campaign, Tumblr, I’ll make up whatever words I want). I forgot why I even broke the internet hiatus I said I was gonna have. Probably because the internet’s making me dumber.

Anyway, Eyeshield 21 is awesome..

Sep 06

Portland isn’t half bad sometimes. A man in a red plaid miniskirt, pink tankini, and pink grrl power Nikes (but had a clashing green handbag, which bothered me) stopped in the middle of traffic to wave at me and smile. Mind you, his body was toned and buffed and he had stubble so he was just a dude in women’s clothing. No confusion, no gender debating, no triggers, no hormone breasts and Crocs like the trans-person-continental in my complex who freaks everyone out, just a dude in women’s clothing being super happy and possibly high on MDMA. Godspeed, you noble warrior. I then got on the bus and read some 1Q84 over someone’s shoulder who may or may not have been a prolific bondage model I don’t want to name just in case it wasn’t her. People are ok today for some reason.

Sep 05

My mother just confided in me that she’d like to champion for little boys who are going to grow up thinking they’re awful because of all the “women are amazing” campaigns and “girl power” stuff while the only things you can say about men are “they have privilege” despite clearly seeing how discrimination affects everyone.
I told her “mom, I love you, but this is why I hate women.” She then said to me “no, you hate bad people and I’m sorry that young women are ruining this country. Maybe it’ll be better when we get the hell out of Portland.”
"It’s a good thing you’re saying that to me and not someone who will sell you out to the equal rights campaign, Nazi Europe style."
"It hasn’t gotten that bad, is it?"
I then listed her the names of the women who have fucked with me and she just sighed at me. My mother was a feminist. She’s also 56. Makes me think of all the old punk rockers looking at the kids in plaid pants, wondering “what have we done?”

She can’t come out and say it but she laughs when I tell her it’d be easier if I were gay. I mean, there are two kinds of privilege. One is historical and based on bias, the one referenced in the Invisible Knapsack (the bible for today’s liberal - and equally as misconstrued and abused as the bible for christians as well), and the other is a social privilege. Tina Fey, one of the last great feminist comedy writers, used this in 30 Rock by standing up for women’s rights while also making sure to note that if you’re running against a black lesbian, you’re gonna lose that election, there’s no say in the matter - sympathy and progressiveness is more influential, which is its own privilege and you’d be a fool not to take advantage of it. Almost seems like something Rousseau would make note of: a contrasting kind of two privileged system that kept all people naturally governed without the need to rely on others.

In related news, I was asked about diversity at a job interview today and I said “buy telecom stocks but pay attention to the energy and biochem markets and keep a standby in media because you can always follow what happens in the tabloids.” 1 of the 4 women laughed so I immediately checked to see if she had a wedding ring. No go but the one who gave me the stink eye was single so, hey…

Sep 04

This is actually pretty dead on.

"Um, my sister taught me how to play when we were 4 so it’s a lie." Right, because this is about every single female and they all happen to be like you/her. This is why we have guys defending themselves because "no, we’re not all like that." Check your privilege, you’re not the center of the universe. There are women who like Batman. And there are women who wear Batman panties for money. If you’re the former, this isn’t about you and you’re the miniscule minority. No one hates you, hell, we wish there were more of you so we could reach some semblance of true equality. It’s them, the Anita Sharkskinmans, we hate.


This is actually pretty dead on.

"Um, my sister taught me how to play when we were 4 so it’s a lie." Right, because this is about every single female and they all happen to be like you/her. This is why we have guys defending themselves because "no, we’re not all like that." Check your privilege, you’re not the center of the universe. There are women who like Batman. And there are women who wear Batman panties for money. If you’re the former, this isn’t about you and you’re the miniscule minority. No one hates you, hell, we wish there were more of you so we could reach some semblance of true equality. It’s them, the Anita Sharkskinmans, we hate.

Aug 25

Tumblr is the best place to talk about this because of all the feminists.

I’ve been on a movie-watching bender for the past couple of days and I’ve noticed that everything goes pretty well until a female character says “you should think of the kids,” “what about me,” “you’re too old to be doing this” or “I don’t even know you anymore” and, out of nowhere, there’s a sad montage in which our hero packs up his knives. Man, why do protagonists care about that anyway? You practice for a fight for years and then, one day, a woman says “you’re acting like a child” and you go “oh, good point” and just give up? Oh well, gotta stretch the movie somehow, I guess. Until much later, of course, when she criticizes him for just moping and not believing in himself. That’s only if the guy is nice, though, because if he cheats on the female character, he gets the FBI called on him and gets to spend the next 4 decades in a cell because that’s turnabout. It seems like the only movie I haven’t seen this past week has been Casino and yet I keep revisiting it in my head.

Then again, kids are worse. Seriously, children are the goddamn worst.

Aug 24
Aug 24
Aug 24
Aug 24
Aug 19

Gotta stay zen on these streets.

Feminists are trying to ruin the good day I’m having (shouldn’t have gone downtown) but because I’m in a good mood, I think I’ve got the zen answer to it. They seem happy enough ignoring everything that’s wrong with their cause and content with demonizing men as they disappoint the women who fought and died for their rights. Shit, I should do that too. Simply ignoring and cutting them out of my life, even if I’ve known them for years, feels pretty good. I mean, think of it like a zombie apocalypse (lol so quirky). If your father turns, you gotta take out the head or just ditch him. Well, erasing friends I’ve had for a very long time because they too became the protesting undead is the same thing and it’s pretty liberating. They don’t wanna talk to men because they’re afraid of getting raped 24/7 even though the police is on their side? Cool, I won’t talk to them.

For the longest time, I thought that was horrible because I just want to get along with people and I want everyone to be happy but if you can’t bring them back to life, don’t bother trying. In this internet age where everyone just gets dumber and dumber, reblogging some stupid Taylor Swift bullshit, distancing yourself from it and its people can only help you in the long run. Sure, it gets lonely not having as many people to talk to but I’d rather read a book than risk catching a case because a drunk girl feels like making trouble. I’m gonna go outside and attend some meetups, have some fun, but the second it gets personal, it’ll be made perfectly clear that I don’t want anything from anyone unless it’s weed. You bring up politics and I’m leaving you at the bus stop. When we all marry foreign people and leave them to their own devices, their generations will just die out. When WW3 happens, who’s going to represent the US? Tumblr? Ok, have fun, kids, I’m defecting or dying in peace. You can only dedicate so much energy to these people, you know? Life is short and it’s been way too long since I played dodgeball. That’s what I’m gonna do this weekend. Play some fucking dodgeball. Maybe I’ll make new friends but I honestly don’t care.

Actually, fuck it, I’m just gonna leave the internet for a while because this shithole is just as bad as Portland, except there are tens of millions more people on the internet. No idea when I’ll be back. Later, bitches.

Aug 16